She Smiles Softly
by Sg1Trooper
Summary: Jack thinks back through the years and remembers the good and the bad that’s happened to Sam


She smiles softly.

* * *

Her eyes shine brightly as the fire twinkles in her eyes. This is not the same face that walked through the doors of the conference room the first time I saw her.

These eyes have seen horror.

These eyes have hidden pain.

These eyes hold back the tears that she has wanted to shed but knew she couldn't.

Not in front of us.

She thinks we will think of her as being weak for showing emotion.

She doesn't know we would never condemn her for being human.

She smiles softly as she walks beside me.

Never questioning orders even though sometimes she questions me with her eyes, but snaps back to the soldier she is and follows through with out argument. Knowing this is what is expected of her. Not allowing her emotions to interfere.

She has grown in my eyes, I have come to admire and love her more each day. She is the reason I am still here literally.

She was a wide-eyed captain at the beginning, finding each trip an adventure and she shared this enthusiasm with us. The sparkle in her eyes the first time she touched the wormhole and the babbling that came out of her mouth still makes me smile to this day. To be that young again with the eagerness to please and to find out what was waiting for her on the other side.

She had fit in, her and Daniel had got along well together like brother and sister. They would squabble about things that went over my head and at times I had to interfere before they would do damage to each other. She had nothing but respect for Teal'c always asking him questions about his past, never pressing to much but just enough to get him to trust her which he did. She had made him feel like part of the SGC and would defend him to others that were weary of whom he was and what he represented.

She smiles softly as she showed she could hold her own when we were on the planet she was kidnapped on. My heart sank thinking I had lost one of my people on a planet so far from home. Leaving her behind was not an option. Not here where women were treated as livestock to trade. Daniel and Teal'c felt the same way which only cemented my trust in them.

She fought hard and had been victorious that day. She walked on her own two feet to the gate to show she had not been beaten but collapsed as soon as we got to the other side of the gate. I caught her knowing she was in great pain but her will to walk on her own two feet showed me there was more to Samantha Carter then the super smart brain in her head.

She had saved the SGC when Hathor had tried to seduce all the men on base and had been the one to put me into the sarcophagus to save me from becoming a Jaffa. She had done it again in Antarctica, coming back to die with me knowing there was no way out. She had not left me behind and for that I would be grateful.

I thought I had lost her when she had been taken over by Jolinar. Hearing her scream out my name to please help her that the snake was telling the truth killed me and then watching her life slip away after the ashrack attacked her. She had survived and I had my sanity back.

She risked her life for me.

Coming back for me when I had been snaked by Hathor against orders, she came back on the pretense of disabling the generator. She saved me from the hell of having a snake in my head. She was there to pull me from the cold and tell me I was okay that I was me. Having her in my arms that moment I felt loved.

She smiles softly but the smile didn't reach her eyes after the Seth incident. She used the ribbon device to stop the Gou'ald but was detached from us afterwards. She needed space and finally broke down in her father's arms when she said she could feel the power of the device wanting to claim her. She apologized to us afterwards for losing her focus and I told her not to worry that everything would be alright.

She smiles softly when she saw her counterpart from the alternate universe. We were wed in that universe. I could see her trying to cope with that fact but she did not let it interfere with helping Carter 2 get back to her world. I don't know how I would have reacted. This being the second universe we had been together. It got me thinking as I'm sure it did her. I caught her staring at me after Carter 2 left. I thought I owed her an apology after the whole kiss thing but she said she understood. Carter 2 needed closure and she said she would have done the same thing and walked away before I could respond.

She smiles softly as I saw her for the first time in a hundred days.

The smile hid the hurt she felt when I didn't acknowledge her but turned to the woman I thought I was indebted to for keeping me housed and clothed for those 100 days.

What I didn't know at the time was that she had risked her well being for me trying to get me back from Edora. When I heard she worked night and day for three months to get me back it showed me her loyalty to me was as great as my loyalty to her.

I was a fool to think no one would care if I came back or not. She had developed a particle beam generator to get me home and I am in awe of her commitment to me knowing I don't deserve it and hoping silently that it meant she cared more for me then she was allowed to.

I don't say anything but thanks when we are in the infirmary she smiles softly and tells me it was nothing.

She smiles softly but I could see the tears threatening to fall when I yell at her that I had not been acting like myself since I met her. I walked away knowing I had hurt her but it had to be done for the good of the country and our alliances. I had to hide my feelings so I wasn't so off when I told her I hadn't been acting like myself since I met her. I was beginning to hope that maybe someday we would have something like our AU twins. But with what I've done I might lose her to my out burst.

She smiles softly as we became super heroes, being able to run like the wind and beat up Jaffa with one hand tied behind our backs. I had almost lost her on that ship her eyes pleading with me to go and to leave her behind, me yelling at her no and her finally realizing why I would not leave.

She smiled softly knowing we would not have our time together that I would rather die then lose her. We had to confess these feelings in front of the one that put us in that predicament. She had been the reason we had shut off our feelings knowing if it got out of the room we would be both be separated. Instead we distanced ourselves knowing in our hearts that if we every got that close to each other we would be lost.

She smiles softly as she recognizes who we were. Not Jonah the man she had learned to love or Thera the woman I had come to think of as my mate. I have glimpses of what happened during that time and I would catch her staring at me with a sad smile that would be masked. I would cherish those moments and hold on to them praying that was not the only thing I would have to hold on to.

She smiles softly after being awakened from the transfer of her consciousness back to her body. The entity knew she would try and contact it. It knew we would not hurt her but she would not want to live like this. It was as bad as having a Gou'ald inside of you. I had made a choice when I goaded it, telling the entity we would send probes to its planet and it had sacrificed itself so we could have her back. I had not known at the time as I shot her twice with a zat gun what its intention was.

I saw my life end when she fell. I thought she would never know how much I loved her or how I died with her when she fell to the floor. She was back now by my side and I gave her one of my rare smiles that she knew I saved for her.

She smiles softly as she came to the door to greet me and Teal'c but refused to let us in saying she kinda had company. I hid my disappointment remembering I was the one that told her to get a life. I told her I was happy for her and proceeded to leave knowing I might lose her to this new Romeo, only to find out it was another alien that had fallen under the spell of Major Samantha Carter. Who could blame them, I had been under the same spell for years now. I backed her up when Simmons pulled out surveillance on her and her new beau. I looked at the photo and saw he was about her age and handsome. He probably didn't have all the baggage I had. He sacrificed himself to save her. She felt she was not trusted after that by me and the rest of the SGC and started to find excuses not to hang out with us. I took this as her way of cutting all ties with me.

She smiles softly as she cradled my head in her lap calling into my radio that I was down. She looks tired after being pricked and prodded like a lab rat. I apologize to her promising her that I would not let a day go by without calling her to make sure she was alright. I start beating myself up saying if I had only called to bother her or just to hear her voice she would not have been held for so long. She quiets me with a finger to my lips and says she knew I would come, that she had almost lost hope when they had come in to silence her forever. I took her hand and said I was sorry again and she whispered her thanks for saving her life.

She smiles softly as the tears fall from her face knowing Daniel is gone. She sat in the room with Janet comforting her, needing someone to grieve with. She is saddened that no memorial service is being held for him. She gave me an incredulous look when I said we'd help Freyr in retrieving Heimdell. She followed me down the hallway saying we had to talk. I stopped her saying I didn't want to talk that we lose people everyday that it was part of the job. I saw her lip quiver and her say we were talking about Daniel. She wanted comfort but I was not the man. I had seen him before he left and I had my closure. I couldn't tell them this they would have locked me up in a rubber room with my very own jacket. So I kept quiet making her hate me for not caring.

She smiles softly as the water starts to fill the room. I try to joke with her but the coldness of the water is making her lips turn blue, she tries to get the door open but it won't budge. We call out to her father for help the water is up to my waist and up to her chest. I grab her hand I will not lose hold of her. We take a last breath and I see the panic in her eyes. I caress her cheek and she tries to smile and closes her eyes and comes close to me. If I am to die I want to die with her close to me. The doors start to open and the water decreases I hold her up by her shirt and she's gasping for air, she smiles knowing we had survived another brush with death.

She's smiling at me softly through a haz-mat mask. She's asking me to have one of those things put inside of me. Aiyana's dead and there is no other hope. She tells me about the snake that needs a new body and promises me that it would leave as soon as I was healed. She's asking me if I understood and I whisper over my dead body. I could see her close her eyes and nod to me. I never wanted to hurt her but she is asking for my soul. She's pleading with me to please do it. I could never deny her anything and to think I might still have a chance to fulfill our dreams I relent and give in.

She smiles at me softly with regret in her eyes. The tokra that I had been blended with had hijacked my body to save his girlfriend. It made me come to a planet ruled by Ba'al, not bocce but a system lord by that name. My friend the tokra left me sacrificing him self so he would not give up valuable Tok'ra information. I experienced the worst torture there and pleaded for death over and over again. My so called friend Daniel the ancient one could not help me get away but I found out later he had given the idea to Teal'c to align with Yu. I woke up in the infirmary myself again with no snake inside and my only my thoughts. She is there hand over my hand and with a frown on her face. I stir and she wakes. Her eyes have guilt in them and I know before she even opens her mouth what she wants to say. I tell her it was my choice and it was the right one at the time, she smiles but I could see she will never forgive her self for being selfish by asking me to live for her not for us.

She smiles softly when she's sees me for the first time in a month. I'm tired, dirty and hurt and I look for her waiting to see that smile that haunted me for all those nights. She looks tired but smiles as soon as she sees me. She closes her eyes and looks relieved. I found out later that she broke down in the locker room. Teal'c said she had let her guard down and he had been there to comfort her. She cried for an hour for me. My heart went out to her. She had been through the lost of Daniel and now me. It must have been too much for her. But when I came back she was there with her smile, the smile I've learned to cherish.

She smiles softly as her life slips away. Nitri that bitch has scrambled her DNA. She took great pleasure in it I know she did. She always hated Carter and this was her payback. She's scared but she won't say it. The Russian colonel has just turned to a puddle of water. Carter starts to shake knowing she would be next. I feel helpless that I can't do more. Her head rests on my shoulder and I don't know how to react. I want to rail against Nitri for being responsible for taking my light, my smile, my life. She smiles softly as I help her walk back to the gate she is tired and wants to do it on her own but I insist, needing to reassure me that she is still alive.

She smiles softly as we walk through the gate from Abydos. They are all gone; all our efforts to get the eye of Ra seemed a waste. She asked me why I had not told her that I had seen Daniel I said I didn't want them to put me away. She feels hurt that Daniel did not come to her but I told her she was too smart or just more in control to have Daniel help her with her life. She nods her head and walks ahead of me, I turn to give Abydos one more look over. Skaara said that death was the beginning of the journey and that I would find the way. What did he mean, the way to defeat Anubis or the way to finally getting Sam into my life and live happily ever after?

She smiles softly as we finally get Daniel back. She is elated that he has been return to his human form even though he can't remember much. She teased him when he got better that he had thought that there was something between them. He grimaced and let out an eww! She laughs I turn to look at her on the couch next to Daniel. Her laughter is music to my ears. Daniel starts to tickle her and says he is hurt, that he saw this cute blond blue eyed beauty and thought she was his true love. She snorts and said her heart could only belong to one. She turns to me and smiles before turning back to Daniel. She's right her heart could only belong to one, if only the one would have the nerve to tell her what he felt.

She smiles softly as she tries to hide her grin. She's been asked to participate in a space race. Two things she loves fast ships and competition. She is like a kid in a candy store and I just step back and watch. She deserves happiness and if this is the way she can achieve it then its fine with me. She doesn't win and I could see the disappointment in her eyes. Carter loves to win but she's already thinking of next year which I might have to nix, I almost lost her to this loop and I wasn't there to watch her six. She smiles softly and says she appreciates my concern but continues to make plans to join Warrick.

She smiles softly as I tell her I am going after Daniel in the jungle. She's concerned we might lose him again but I put her fears to rest. I'm more concerned that I will not be there to watch her back. She's walking into the lion's den and as much as I know I should be there with her I know I can't, I know what type of men have Daniel and they do not do good with negotiating. I wait with Daniel at the bottom of the ramp. Jacob reported that she had been hurt during their escape. I want to see with my own two eyes she is well and berate myself for not being there to prevent this from happening. I tried to act aloof and she explains they came back alive and I give her that point and then offer her lunch. She smiles and accepts my offer. I wish I could offer more but this is as much as I could at the time.

She smiles softly after she has called me Jack. I'm taken aback she never calls me Jack. I come closer to her and she is still a little groggy. I thought I'd never see that smile again but here she is alive, lying on her bed talking to me. When I heard the Prometheus was over due checking in I panic again. I let her go with out me again. I should have been there with her but no she was lost in some gas bubble and all our efforts were for nothing. She saved the crew and her self again. I was grateful for that brain in her head that helped her figure out how to get home.

She smiles softly as she tells me his name. I act detached wishing the elevator would hurry wanting to get the hell out of there so I didn't have to hear about her new life. I had lost her I knew I did she had gone out and found a life. She smiles softly as she cradles her new love's head and tells him she would tell him everything if he would survive. If he survived the curse would be broken and she would move on. She smiles softly as she thanks me for helping her get clearance for her new beau. I try to be happy for her but it hurts me to see that I am no longer a part of her life. I let go knowing he would provide her with the love and support she so desperately needs. I change my mind about him after I hear that he has run a background check on her and decide to keep it to myself. I would be checking him out to see if he was worthy of Sam's love. But who was I to say anything she was happy and that's all that mattered.

She smiles softly as she sits next to me after almost losing her life to the supersoldier. She asked for a minute. I'd give her a life time but keep those feelings at bay. She looks so lost with blood on her face and staring into space. I make the decision that would hurt me but comfort her. I tell her to come here and she doesn't question and melts into my shoulder she is exhausted dirty and about to pass out. I could sit her forever but know she needs medical attention I try to wake her but she doesn't budge. I carry her to the gate she never wakes. I walk through the gate straight to the infirmary with Jacob asking questions and Daniel following him wanting to see if she was alright. I place her on the gurney and step back letting Janet take care of her. I feel I have no right to stay with her now that she has someone else in her life. I walked out to gather myself I need to hide my feelings, but Daniel knows me too well as he follows me to the locker room. I tell him I'm okay and remind him to give Pete a call so he wouldn't worry. She smiles softly as she cries into her pillow. Jacob told her he would not be around and she feels she is losing him. I try to comfort her but she knows I'm holding back. She thanks me for saving her and I just blurt out it was my job. She still says thank you and I tell her I have to go leaving her alone. I feel bad but know if I let myself I would open the wounds that are starting to heal.

She smiles softly as she falls apart in my arms. She thought I had been killed by a staff blast. I thought I was a goner while I lay on the ground on a distant planet contemplating everything that had happen and my regrets. I hear her yelling my name no my rank she's frantic and is calling for a medic. She's telling me to hang on and I could see tears. Why would she care she had someone in her life. I was yesterday's news. But she did not leave my side even when I was unconscious. Teal'c told me this he said he had been worried that I would not recover. He told me about Janet. It should have been me not her that died. Cassie had lost another mother and Sam had lost her best friend. She's in my arms crying and holding me tight it will be hard for her Janet would not be coming back she had not ascended there was no sarcophagus she was truly gone. I would be here behind her to offer support. He would be next to her and holding her and telling her it would be okay.

She smiles softly as she stands at my door trying to find the words that would soothe me. I let her in and still act distant. I don't want her to have doubts or what ifs. This could not have gone down any other way. She was one of the countries national resource hell treasures well my treasure but she didn't have to know. I didn't want her pity so I act like the good colonel and watch her fumble through what she wants to say. Not offering her any help. She doesn't know what her being her means to me. I had desperately wanted to go to her home and confess what I truly felt for her but knew it would not be fair to her to have all of that dumped on to her lap. On the ship when I'm slowly losing my mind she comes to tell me what is in her heart I silence her with a touch and a word. I know, because I do I know what she wants to say it's the same thing I want to but I wont she deserves happiness and if I'm no longer around and this new man can do it then she has my blessing. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. To have that look of excitement that has been missing for so many years now that I feel I am to blame. She smiles softly the last smile I see as I am put into deep freeze I will hold that smile in my mind and in my fron forever.

She smiles softly as she sees me awaken her from another nightmare. She had gone and found Thor to help me out of my frozen pop state. She paid dearly in my opinion. She had saved me again but had suffered at the hands of fifth. I should have blasted that bastard when I had a chance. She's being vague about what he did to her but if it was anything like the last time I know the pain these jerks can inflict. It was my order that got her brains scrambled by fifth. He didn't understand that she had not betrayed him but was following orders. She whispered that he had fallen in loved with her and had set up a scenario that he thought she wanted. I didn't pry just held her close. She was shaking and said she knew it wasn't true that she could not live they way he had portrayed in her mind. She smiles softly as I tell her I have accepted the position to run the SGC. She says she is proud of me and I am rewarded with the same smile but brighter when I call out her name and announce she had been promoted to Lt. Colonel. She deserves more but this is something she's earned.

She smiles softly as she tells us she has accepted Pete's proposal. My heart shatters but I hide it well. She had not smiled for two weeks or confused me with technobabble I knew something was wrong. I came to her office with an excuse that I needed a report. She seemed distracted and I finally asked her what was wrong. She showed me the ring and heard what she had to say. I never say her so confused in all the time I've known her. She wanted me to give her an answer. She wanted me to make her choice after she asked me what would I do? I did and said I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be saving the world if I knew she would be coming home to me. I wouldn't be a general if she had said she would be my wife. She smiles softly as I see her close the chapter that was suppose to be our great love affair.

She smiles softly but with regret in her eyes. She has not left her lab since she got back from the alpha site. She handed me her resignation saying she was not fit to be an officer for letting replicarter onto the alpha site and being able to create a cipher to be able to be immune to our only weapon against them. She blames herself and said she made me do what she wanted. I tear up her letter and tell her that she would not be resigning on my watch. That what happen was a mistake replicarter had used us and I was as much to blame as she was. She smiles softly as she turns after she apologizes for the hundredth time. She is defeated. I don't like to see the pain in her eyes but she is her own worse critic and I know she will not forgive herself that easily.

She smiles softly as she asks me about Kerry I try to be vague and change the subject. I don't want her to know that I've moved on or I'm trying to move on. I could never replace her in my heart but I could try and move on. She smiles softly as see finds out about Kerry and me. She tries to hide the hurt in her eyes. She had come over to talk to me she's telling me that Pete has put a down payment on a house, I know that means this is permanent getting a home together is the next step them children would complete the happy family and a chance at normalcy. I try to muster up some enthusiasm for her but fall flat. Kerry walks out of my house and is stunned to see Carter here she tries to make her feel comfortable but she gets called back to the base. Kerry gives me a questioning look and pulls out her cell phone for me to call to see what was wrong with Jacob.

She smiles softly as she watch her father take his last breaths I sit next to her and pull her close again. She needs me as much as I need her. She tells me she is not saddened that Jacob is dying that she is grateful to Selmac for giving her the father she never thought she'd ever know. She then thanked me for everything and I told her always. I would always love her no one could ever take her place in my heart. I think Kerry knew just by the look on my face and my abrupt departure from my house when I found out Jacob was dying. She said I should retire but she didn't know the full story Carter was engaged and weeks away from getting married why would she stop her plans for me? She said the closer it got she thought she was making a huge mistake. Maybe I still had a chance. Holding her now and watching Jacob take his final breaths I knew I would never leave her side.

She smiles softly as we bury her father. Pete is absent and I ask she holds up her hand and whispers the wedding is off that she didn't want to hurt him with her indecision. That she was sure she wanted a life but not with him. Her father had given her some advice and she was going to follow it.

She smiles softly as we fished together on my dock. I'm grinning like a maniac but I don't care she's here by my side and she's said out loud she can't believe we didn't do this years ago. She then asks me if there are any fish in my pond and with out a beat I answer no. She laughs. That laugh that I hadn't heard for so long is a balm to my wounded heart.

She smiles softly now over the open fire. We all decided to sit out under the stars and bond. Daniel was back, Teal'c had been victorious for his fellow Jaffa and was about to be a grandpa. She touches my arm and smiles softly the sparkle in her eye is back and asks were had I'd been since I had been quiet for so long.

I smile softly back take her hand and give it a squeeze and whisper "waiting for you all of my life and now that I have you I'm never going to let go."

She smiles softly and leans in and says, "good because you're never going to be able to get rid of me."

We both smile softly and know we will be there for one another always.


End file.
